As I was in the shower today, after two births in 24 hours–one in the hospital as a doula, the other at home as a student midwife–I was appreciating the perfect temperature of the water, the smell of my shampoo, and the utterly clean feeling I had when I stepped out onto the mat. I was positively luxuriating in my shower! I couldn’t help but compare it to the first shower I took after my babies were born. That first shower post-birth is simply divine.

This got me on a train of thought I hadn’t really contemplated before.

Midwives, doulas, and postpartum mothers share a sisterhood in more than just birth. There are five things we all love after a birth, whether it was our own or one we attended.

1: Taking off the sweaty/goopy bra.
Taking off the bra at the end of the day is magnificent enough. Imagine peeling off a sweaty, potentially goopy and wet bra! Birthing a baby is hard work, and so is attending a birth. (Not on the same level, obviously, but we often get very physical, sweaty, and wet too) Oh, the glorious freedom of a bra slipped off and tossed aside!

2: That first shower.
Letting all the mess of birth wash down the drain. The sweat of hard work. The fluids, vernix, and blood of the birth. Even some of the heightened emotions are shared. They are on different scales but are sourced in the same hormones. And yes, birth professionals tend to get a little baptized with the birth fluids too. I cannot tell you how amazing it is to get into that warm shower and just feel clean again!

3: The first meal.
Whether it’s steak and eggs, sushi, fried chicken, gyros, cheese and crackers, bananas and peanut butter, smoothies, or a fistful of Cheetos, it doesn’t matter. No food tastes as good as post-birth food.

4: The first nap.
Most births happen in the wee hours before dawn, so everyone involved loses some sleep. Combine that with a hit of high-inducing oxytocin, endorphins, and adrenaline, and you have a perfectly natural sleeping potion circulating in your blood. The first nap post-birth is the best! Even if it’s interrupted by a hungry baby, or a text from a client (we’re usually still on call), it’s still lovely to sleep. Mostly because we are in bed. It’s all about the bed. And the cool side of the pillow.

5: Seeing your kids again.
There’s something about a family coming together again after the birth of a new baby. After you’ve come home from the hospital, or your kids were brought back home from Grandma’s, being together as a family with a new member to induct is just plain special. Some of my favorite post-birth memories, when my kids were born, were introducing them to their new tiny sibling. Now, walking in the door from the latest birth, and being greeted by four sets of arms hugging me, and four voices saying “Yay! Mommy!!!” is such a blessing.

What is your favorite thing after having a baby and/or attending a birth?

Grace & Peace,
Tiffany

When I set out to be by my father’s side in 2012, I had no idea what to expect. My sister and I both lived in Colorado Springs, so naturally we caravaned to Oregon together. We talked about it a lot. What would we have to do? How would we help our mom? This was not a typical visit in any way. I felt ill-equipped and unprepared.

Once we arrived in Oregon, and we settled in, I began to discover just how similar labor and postpartum doula work is to supporting not only the dying man, but his family.

Here are 5 more ways I found that my doula work had prepared me for this in ways I did not expect.

1. Dying has a natural, typical process.
I will never forget the social worker who came to visit and explain the process of death to us as a family. It’s a lot like labor, where the signs of impending death get “longer, stronger, and closer together,” like contractions do. Like labor, the dying process is made up of stages, but they are not set in stone, and it looks different for everyone. No one can ever predict when or how the dying process starts, nor how or when it will end. You just have to wait and see. Like labor, when you are more familiar with the basic physiology of the dying process, caring for your loved one is a lot easier. It helps to have a general idea of what to expect.

2. The family needs support as much as the dying one.
Much like the expectant father, the dying man’s loved ones need education and support to help them navigate this painful, sometimes confusing journey. The social worker told us that we would all feel like we were going crazy, “but that’s okay–it’s normal crazy.” Pretty much everything we would experience would be typical of the dying process, but we would all feel as though it wasn’t. And that was normal. Dying is weird. So is birth. And for those who haven’t seen it, it helps to be able to hear an expert tell you that it’s all normal. This is a major role a doula plays. Supporting the father, partner, or family members through the birth process largely consists of smiling across the pregnant woman’s back and giving the thumbs-up to a dad who thinks the love of his life just might be dying based solely on the sounds she’s making. That calm professional presence meant so much to us as a family and enabled me to put on my own doula hat and love my family through the process.

3. Doulas are comfortable with bodily fluids and nudity.
My only regret in helping care for my dad is that I didn’t step up sooner to help my mom with the actual physical care. It took seeing my mom in tears, needing help to get Dad up off the floor for me to see the need for what it was. Dad was reluctant to let me help, because he didn’t want his daughter seeing him that way. However, Mom needed me. So, I gently insisted to Dad that he needed to let me do this for Mom’s sake. He agreed, and it didn’t take more than one trip to the bathroom together for him to feel okay about it. I happen to have a natural bent toward a clinical mindset, and I knew it wouldn’t bother me to help Dad get to the bathroom while he could, and when he couldn’t, to hold the portable urinal. It’s not much different than letting a pregnant woman lean on you while she’s on the toilet during labor, or hold her hair and an emesis bag while she throws up. It’s just part of life. And death.

4. Everyone involved has a vital role to play.
Part of a doula’s job is to understand the roles everyone involved in a labor and birth are going to fill, based on their gifts and what the mother needs. She assesses the expectations, then sees where she best fits in, and can enhance and help everyone’s roles. It’s the same at the deathbed of a loved one. Everyone has natural personality quirks and gifts and roles, and it is vital to let each play the part they are most comfortable with. Granted, we all have to step out of our roles once in awhile and make do, but generally, we each got to do what came naturally to us. Our kids even filled a role, keeping joy front and center even in the midst of our death watch. It was comfortable and seamless for the most part.

5. It’s not about me.
No birth I attend has anything to do with me. I am along for the ride, for better or worse. I am there to comfort, support, encourage, and anchor. I am not there to fight battles, rescue anyone, or to make a statement. My father’s death had nothing to do with me either. It was his journey, and I was there to comfort, support, encourage, and anchor as well as I could. I could have done a better job, I know, but I did the best I could with what I had, and I know that it was enough. It had to be, because I offered everything I had. We all did.

We each of us, my mother, sisters and I were utterly drained at the end of it all, but we had no regrets. Dad passed into his Father’s arms exactly the way he wished to: with minimal pain, at home in his own bed, surrounded by those he loved. We all of us were his doula team. And we didn’t even know it.

To read the first part, click HERE.

Grace & Peace,
Tiffany

Almost three years ago, I packed up my four children and drove to Oregon to help care for my father. His melanoma had metastasized to his spinal fluid, and everything that could be thrown at it to kill it, had been. There was nothing left, but to wait. Probably only weeks were left.

His decline was gradual, over the course of about three and a half months. During that time, I discovered another purpose to my doula training and work.

The end of life is much like the beginning. It is mainly about waiting, comfort and support. There isn’t anyone who can do the dying work, except the dying. Those in attendance find themselves with not much to do but wait. At the most, we bring comfort through physical touch, slow conversations, and just quietly being present. It is so much like waiting while a woman labors. The main difference being that we are on the wrong side of the veil. We do not get to see our loved one birthed into the next life. It is all darkness on this side.

I have never been so grateful for my training as a doula. Everything I learned is very nearly directly applicable to the dying process. Here are 5 things I learned while doulaing my dying father.

1. Pain can be a normal part of the process.
Granted, the pain of death was not something I believe that we were ever designed for. It is often pathological, but it is also a natural part of dying. As in labor, it is a signal that something needs to change. Perhaps a massage will alleviate it. Perhaps a dose of morphine will help the man laboring to die to rest a little easier. Pain also allows and invites loved ones to minister to the dying simply by being present, holding a hand, or stroking the hair.

2. The same comfort measures used in labor often work well for the dying.
Massage. Gate control. Supporting the five senses. Medication. Acupressure. Essential oils. Music. Bathing. Hydration. Light snacking to their level of hunger if it exists at all. The dying, much like the laboring woman, do not need much food if any. It’s important to follow their lead. All these techniques we learn in our doula training are applicable to the dying one. Of course, some causes of death render certain massage strokes unbearable, much like transition may do in a laboring woman. It’s all about trying different things, and allowing the dying to accept or refuse it without taking it personally.

3. Holding space is the foundation for dignity.
We know as doulas that a mother’s pain level, or even the kind of birth she has will have little bearing on how satisfied she is with her experience. What matters most to her is that she is the decision maker and that she feels supported throughout the process. We as doulas hold the space for that to happen. We are constantly directing attention back to the laboring mother: “How do you feel about adding Pitocin to the plan? Would you like time to talk about it?” It’s the same with the dying. They often struggle to decide, and just need the space to settle in with what they want. This gives them the dignity they deserve as a human being while they go through an undignified, and often painful process.

4. Writing an end-of-life plan is much like writing a birth plan.
It’s written before the active dying really begins, much like a birth plan is written prenatally. It outlines the dying person’s desires, wishes, and medical decisions ahead of time, so that if and when they become incapable of decision-making, those who are caring for him can use it as a guide to know what he would most likely want to do. Unlike a birth plan, it is a legal document, and only power-of-attorney can override it. The principle is the same, though. And as a doula, upholding these desires came naturally to me.

5. Dying doesn’t look at all like what is portrayed in the media.
Birth in the media is always an emergency, there is a lot of screaming and hating of husbands, and demanding of drugs. It’s almost never clinically accurate or true to life. It is the same with death in the media. Death in the movies is always grand or gory or like watching someone fall asleep. Watching my father die was none of those things. There is no way to portray the sights, smells, sounds, or the heaviness of the room where the dying man lies. There are as many ways to die as there are to give birth. As beautiful as Dad’s final moments were, as dignified and peaceful as it was, I found death itself to be ugly. Just as I find birth to be beautiful, in spite of the “mess” and the pain and the noise and the smells. Death and birth are studies in contradiction. They are each a paradox. And both are sacred.

I loved being with my dad while he lay dying. I felt honored, privileged, and blessed to witness a man’s leaving of this world to enter the next. For Dad, to live was Christ, and his death was gain. Every time I enter the sacred birthing space of another woman, I am reminded of the gravity of life, and how important it is to have dignity at both birth and death. As a doula, I now know that I have the skill and compassion I need for either. If I weren’t a doula, or pursuing midwifery, I think I would want to be a hospice nurse. But that is an entirely different post for a different day.

Thanks for sticking with me. I know this is a tough subject, but it’s close to my heart, and it was time to write about it. How have you experienced death or birth in your life? Have you seen both? Are there other parallels you noticed?

Grace & Peace,
Tiffany

Is there benefit to hiring a doula for a home birth? I say YES absolutely.

An oldie but a goodie, from Desirre, in honor of International Doula Month.

As a seasoned doula who has attended home births as labor support and now an  intern midwife who clinically supports the mother, I believe that many women can keenly benefit from a doula when having a home birth.

The most simple reasoning is that the doula is there physically, emotionally and educationally specifically for the mother and family just like at the hospital or a birth center. She (he) is an integral part of the birth team.

• The doula will likely be laboring with the mother first, providing a continuous care support framework for when the midwifery team arrives.
  
• As the midwifery team sets up and prepares the space clinically, the doula is right there maintaining the comfort, peace and encouragement of the mother. Often lessening any disruption that new people in the environment can cause.
• The doula is there SOLELY for the mother and husband (partner), step by step, eye to eye while the midwifery team is there to first and primarily clinically assess, maintain safety and be unobtrusive as possible.
• The doula offers guidance and suggestions for position changes, physical/emotional comforts and helping to ensure the mother eats, drinks, voids and rests.
• The doula gives the husband (partner) the opportunity to rest, have less stress, do the very best he/she can do along with enjoying the process more.
• A doula can be present specifically to help with the other children.
• A doula’s presence offers reduction in any interventions and cesarean.
• A doula’s presence offers increased satisfaction with birth, bonding and breastfeeding……….

Simply put. A doula being present at a home birth is effectively the same as at a hospital or birth center, with the general exceptions that she would have to help a mother and family self advocate or navigate  institutional policies,  protocols and staff.

I again say YES to doulas at home births.

How are you celebrating?! Share your own video response in the comments on YouTube! Who are the doulas in your life?

Doula.

I am a doula.

Those words, filled with so much meaning over the years, were my starting point in this birth journey I’m on. Doula is a weighty word. It’s a very different role than almost any other in birth. It encompasses so much that used to be taken for granted: that a sister, a mother, a grandmother, an auntie would be there for our births.

With our scattered society, and its driving desire to prove individual independence, that doesn’t happen as much any more. I think the rise in doulas in this country is just one sign of a shift in society’s thinking about that independence. The resurgence of old-fashioned life skills such as knitting, crocheting, quilting, canning, gardening, keeping small farm animals, bartering/trading for goods and services, and more all indicate that our society might be beginning to see the value in interdependence.

A very different concept than independence. Independence declares, “I can do it myself!” Usually in ALL CAPS. Interdependence says, “I can probably do it myself, but I would really like to have you by my side, because many hands make light work.” It’s a humble honesty that admits that we need each other, while acknowledging individual responsibility.

I like this shift in thinking. It means that each of us are needed by one another. Isn’t it a wonderful feeling to be needed?

We see it in the blog posts encouraging us to ask for help when we need it. We see it in the abundance of people who come out of the woodwork in order to sign up for meal trains. We see it in baby showers, scrapbooking parties, childbirth classes, book clubs, community gardens, homeschool groups, and knitting circles. We long for community, especially as women.

Birth is not an independent act. While it is “your” birth in one sense (individual responsibility), it is very much “our” birth in another (we need safe community in order to do it well). There are very few women who don’t need other women around them to birth, and each birth has a ripple effect on the community around it.

Enter the doula.

She brings interdependence back to birth. She encourages the mother’s individual responsibility in decision-making, while helping to meet the mother’s need for community. A doula bridges the gap between our precious, American independence, and our desire to have another woman to lean on. It is finally acceptable to need the help.

This is no bad thing, and is slowly, birth by birth, making a big impact on the way women, babies, and birth are viewed in this country.

“What’s a doula?” is a question asked less and less frequently, though we do need to keep putting the good word out there!

I am a doula.

The words still carry great weight. I have not yet burned out on standing beside women in my community while they usher new life into the world through their bodies, with the strength of Creation behind them. It is an honor, a privilege, and a blessing for me.

I am a doula.

I don’t yet know when the day will come that I utter these words for the last time, as I move forward into midwifery work. I wonder how that will feel, when it finally happens, as it surely will in the next few years.

Until then, I am a doula.

And I am grateful to be one.

Grace & Peace,
Tiffany

Being a doula has taught me…

• I have to disappoint people I love sometimes. At any moment, I may have to leave people I care about high and dry while I bolt to the side of a mother in labor. Babies don’t care about the date on the calendar.
• I will be growing and learning forever. I will never “arrive” at a place where I cannot possibly learn any more.
• It is not only okay to ask for help, it is imperative.
• It is also imperative to walk in gratitude for all the help I receive.
• Self-care is really important, and I am not very good at it most of the time.
• To value the friends who stick around, even though they can never really depend on me as if I were a normal person.
• To take myself and my work seriously. This isn’t just a feel-good hobby. It’s hard work, and it is worth it to invest time and resources into growing professionally.
• Never to take anything for granted. There are no guarantees of good outcomes in any decision I make.
• There are risks and consequences to everything in life. All we have to do is decide which ones we are willing to live with.
• Having a mentor is critical.
• Growing to become a mentor is a privilege.
• Peer review in the safest context possible is essential to avoiding burnout.
• I can never care more about a birth, and its outcome, than the mother. Ever.
• Humility is the first pillar of solid bridge-building between the staff, care providers, my clients, and myself.
• When I walk into a birthing space, I walk in with the reputation of all doulas in my hands.
• To be flexible.
• I don’t have to know everything. I just need to know where to find good information.
• Scope of Practice is one of my most valuable assets.
• How and when to say “No.” The rubber has met the road, where my family is concerned, and saying “No” is becoming a little less difficult.
• While I will never check my faith at the door, my hands, my heart, and my love are far better tools than my tongue.
• How to actually listen, though I think I will always be working at this.
• There is no such thing as perfect balance in a person’s life. I can only do the best I can with what I have.
• I cannot be all things to all people in all situations. However, I can love all people in all situations, and I can be fully myself in whatever moment I am living in.
• My best is enough.

Above all, being a doula has helped me grow in love–for my God, my husband, my children, and all who come across my path.

“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” ~1 Corinthians 13:13 (NIV)

As a doula, I finally understand what it looks like when love wins. It doesn’t always mean that everyone is happy, or that everything works out perfectly. It means that choices are made that encompass what is truly best for the other person. It means laying down my desires, opinions, passions, hopes, and putting the best interest of the other person at the top of my priority list. In all situations, love of God, and love for my neighbor (beginning with those in my home) is the answer, and is the deep water my roots drink from.

I am so grateful for the growth I have experienced as a doula, and I pray that I never stop growing. That I always stay teachable. That I always walk in what I know to be true.

What life lessons have you learned from your work, either as a mother, wife, birth professional, flapjack flapper, or whatever it is that you do?

Grace & Peace,
Tiffany

Image credit: tumblr

Being a doula, for me, is not about changing hospital policy, or steering women away from “bad” providers. It is not about disseminating information to every client. It’s not about birth plans. It’s not about informed consent. It’s not about vaginal birth, home birth, or cesarean birth. It’s not about statistics. It’s not about rebozos, crock pots, or rice socks. It’s not even about making a difference or changing the world.

Being a doula is about laying aside my notion of what a particular birth ought to be, and instead surrendering to what it actually is. It is opening my eyes to the reality of each woman’s circumstances, and meeting her right where she happens to be.

It is seeing beyond myself, and stepping into someone else’s experience. It is opening my hands in service, in whatever way the mother sees fit. It is about humbling myself, and understanding that each birth can and will teach me something I did not know before.

It is about respecting the care provider(s) my client has chosen, simply because she has chosen them. It is about learning how to show respect and compassion to everyone in the room, even when I don’t feel like it, because it is the right thing to do. Many times, it’s about being an example.

It is about protecting space around a birthing woman and her partner, so all they see is each other. It’s about becoming invisible, so that the birthing woman can focus on what is most important.

It is about being with this woman, right here, in this moment in time. It is often about helping her surrender fully to this great work she is doing. It is looking her in the eye and lending her my strength when she runs out. It is opening a door when she hits her wall. It is about believing her when she expresses pain, and validating her struggle.

It is believing in her, even if no one else does.

It is about bringing a little bit of sunshine into this storm that feels so big, and reminding her that it will not last forever. Being a doula is a lot like trying to be a rainbow in someone’s cloud.

It is about love.

And I love being a doula.

Grace & Peace,
Tiffany

Image credit: shipulski.com

Next to finding a good personality fit in a doula, financial concerns are probably the biggest factor in choosing which doula to hire, and many potential clients ask me exactly what the fee covers. In some ways, that’s an easy question to answer: “My fee covers x number of prenatals,  labor, birth, and immediate postpartum, and x number of postpartum visits, as well as unlimited phone/text/email support.”

In other ways, not so much. Doulas have to strike a balance between affordability for clients, and maintaining a sustainable practice. This can be tricky sometimes, and often takes a lot of time (and mistakes) for a doula to figure out how to structure her individual fee. Finding that happy medium is essential: 1) to prevent burnout from being constantly on-call, and 2) to reach the widest economic base they can.

Basically, a doula is going to base her fee on a combination of a few factors. Her experience, how many births she can take on in a month, and her business expenses are all part of the equation.

Now, no doula enters this profession thinking, “I’m going to make it rich doing this!” No, indeed! Doulas are all heart, and do this work because they can’t not do it. Beyond their hearts, though, a doula does have to consider the financial part of the equation, because it would be unwise not to. After all, just because she had a light month, as far as births go, doesn’t mean her rent won’t come due.

That said, I would like to explain, as simply as possible, what a doula’s fee covers–both for the client, and for the doula herself.

Nuts and Bolts–What the fee covers for the Client:

• 2-3 prenatal visits.
• Labor, birth, and 2-4 hrs. postpartum.
• 2-3 postpartum visits.
• The tools in her birth bag.
• Unlimited phone/text/email access. A doula’s time spent just communicating with her clients can quickly add up to several hours a week in order to make sure the client has all the emotional and informational support she needs.
• Usually four full weeks of on-call availabilty, during which she cannot leave the area, must take her own car everywhere, and cannot make any firm commitments.
• Objective help writing a custom-tailored birth plan.
• Continuity of care throughout pregnancy, labor, birth, & postpartum period.
• A walking birth encyclopedia.
• Someone dedicated to keeping the environment peaceful.
• A skilled communicator that helps create positive dialog among members of the birth team.
• Specific to the doulas here at Preparing for Birth: Guaranteed back-up doulas, and continuous access for the doula to an experienced mentor when things get “interesting.”
• A professional person with an emotional investment in each client’s care, who answers only to the client–not to hospital staff, doctors, or other family members.
• If you’ve had a doula in the past, what might you add to this list that your doula did for you?

Balanced with the above are the doula’s financial needs. In order to do such demanding work, doulas need to charge enough that they can take enough births to meet those needs, but not so many that they burn out. Let’s face it: Living on-call nearly 24/7 most of the year can get exhausting for anyone–no matter their profession. Below is a basic explanation of where the doula will put her fee to good use.

Nuts & Bolts–What the Doula needs the fee to cover so she can keep working:

• Childcare, if she has children too young to stay home alone. Most doulas pay their childcare person by the hour, and if a birth is long enough, that can add up to a significant portion of her fee. It’s probably the single biggest cost factor in this work.
• Her time. Probably the second-biggest cost factor when setting a fee.
• A back-up doula, on the off-chance she can’t make the birth.
• Phone & internet bill, including website fees.
• Gas money & mileage on a personal car.
• Office space, even if it’s in her home.
• Basic business supplies (paper, printer ink, files, etc…)
• Business checking account
• Certification Fees
• Taxes and state business fees
• Birth bag tools, some of which are costly, and all of which need to be replaced periodically.
• Promotional materials and marketing.
• Continuing education.
• Professional memberships.

Most doulas spend a minimum of four to eight hours with their clients prenatally, as well as another two to four during the postpartum period–not including phone calls, emails, or texts. When the time spent with a client during her labor and birth is factored in, many doulas will need their fee to cover anywhere from 16 up to 36 hours or more of time, in total. If that were the only factor to consider, let’s take a look at what a Colorado Springs doula “brings home.”

Doulas in Colorado Springs charge anywhere from about $300 up to $650, which is actually somewhat less than other cities in the U.S. of similar population size. Doula’s fees range from $500 up to $850 or more (some go higher than $1,000) in other comparable cities (based on an informal poll I took in a birth professionals group).

So, if hours were the only factor, a Colorado Springs doula grosses about $19.00 to $40.00 per hour, for each client, at the minimum amount of hours she might work. This is before any of the other listed factors come into play. When those are factored in, what’s left for her time is often less than minimum wage.

Do you know what? It’s worth it for doulas! It’s enough for many just to be there, in that sacred birth space, participating with a family the way they do. Quietly going about their doula business caring for and nurturing a new family in the moment of its expansion, melting into the background, and holding space for the mother-baby unit to hold their focus. There is nothing like that moment when a woman looks up at her partner, that wet baby held tight to her chest, with tears in her eyes, saying “I did it!”

Doulas love what they do, and they share that love and passion with each family they serve.

Taking all this into consideration, hiring a doula is probably one of the most valuable things a mother can do for herself. Forget the fancy nursery decorations, stroller, and extra stuff. Instead, a mother can invest in customized, top-of-the-line, evidence-based care by hiring a doula–and get the best deal of her life for one of the most important times in her life!

Wondering how to afford a doula? Keep an eye out for my next post, with tips on how to get creative with finances to do just that!

I had a lot of help in putting this post together, and I just want to give a shout-out to my fellow doulas at Preparing for Birth: Sarah York, Christin Yorty, Rachel Madrigal, and Jamie Nyseth. Each of these women serve as wonderful peers and fresh perspectives, and I am privileged to work with them. Click HERE to visit each of their profiles.

Grace & Peace,
Tiffany

Many men in our culture are fairly apprehensive about birth. Most have never seen a real birth, or talked about it outside of sex ed. They are often nervous about birth itself, seeing their partner in pain, the what-ifs, and all that may come after. They doubt their ability to support their partner in her journey, and wonder if they’ll be strong enough.

In fact, they often doubt and fear and wonder just as much as their partners do, but are often not allowed to express it, because they’re not the ones giving birth, so they feel that they don’t really matter. They may feel like they don’t have much voice in the process, and are just expected to go along for the ride, smiling and nodding whenever the experts speak.

Yet, at the same time, they are expected to know everything about birth, protect their partner, communicate her wishes, and support her physically and emotionally without pausing for breath.

Many worry that they just can’t live up to all of that. It really is an awful lot to ask of one human being, after all. Especially since history shows us that there have always been many support people surrounding a mother during birth.

Still, many men don’t realize just how much they are capable of. They don’t realize that they matter, too, and that they can enter their partner’s birthing space with confidence, ability, and strength to meet the challenges of supporting a labor and birth.

So, how do we help fathers to step into the birthing space with confidence?

We free them to be who they are, that’s how. We let go of our expectations, and help them to form their own expectations and desires for supporting the birth of their child. We help them to see that they alone can define their role in the drama and sacredness of birth.

I would suggest two important things that may help a father gain confidence and acquire tools to help him fulfill the role he wants to play during birth: 1) Independent childbirth education classes, and 2) Hiring a doula.

The more a man knows, the less he will fear birth, and taking Childbirth Classes is one of the best ways to lower anyone’s fear level in anticipation of birth. Many men appreciate information given in practical, interactive ways, and independent childbirth classes are often right up his alley. He can join with like-minded dads, ask questions, and have his concerns addressed more readily.

Information is a great, big factor in helping couples manage their stresses and fears regarding birth—as much for the father as it is for the mother. As an educator, at the beginning of a series, I usually see high levels of apprehension, which quickly fade from week to week, to be replaced by realistic expectations and informed confidence in both parents.

This is just as powerful for the father as it is for the mother. When Dad has confidence in Mom’s ability, she believes in herself all the more, and Dad begins to see that he has power to influence her for the better! Dad is able to acclimate himself more readily to the realities of birth, and begins to realize that he is an important part of her support team. Perhaps the most important part.

He feels a little more ready to step into his support role, and probably has clarified what he wants that role to look like. He will feel more confident about what he can do, and more realistic about what he might not be able to do.

In which case, he may begin to consider…

…Hiring a Doula to help him fill in the gap in the support team he might not be able to fill himself. If he participates in choosing and hiring a doula, he is much more likely to have his own expectations met, as well as those of his partner. When Mom and Dad are both fully supported, Dad is far freer to just be and do what his partner needs him to be and do.

While he will likely remember a lot of what he has read and learned about, that information may become secondary to him during the birth, and take a backseat to more immediate concerns in his mind.

He may become simply focused on loving this woman who is birthing his child. And why shouldn’t he? Why should he have to remember every counter pressure technique? Every massage technique, position change, or even the water jug and bendy straw? Why shouldn’t he be the face close to hers, his eyes beaming his love, concern for, and confidence in her?

A doula allows Dad to be front and center in the support role he always wanted to fill for Mom, in whatever way makes the most sense for their individual relationship in this particular moment. If he wants to be the Expert – he ought to be equipped to do that. If he doesn’t, then he needs the space and freedom for that, too. Or anything in between.

When he is free, all his anxieties and apprehensions tend to fall away, and he finds that birth is a challenging, beautiful, amazing space to be in with his partner. He finds that he is strong to meet the challenge, just like she is. Together, they grow in strength and confidence, becoming truly ready to meet this tiny new person they have made.

Doulas help open wide the door, making the birthing space more navigable, understandable, and pleasant for fathers. This, in turn, can only benefit the mother as she is able to rest in the support of her birth team. She no longer feels concern for her partner, because he shows no reason for her to be concerned. She is able to just birth.

Then, we can just step back and watch, as he exceeds all the expectations we have laid on him, and as he steps into Fatherhood in the way that makes the most sense to him and his new family.

Tiffany Miller, CLD, CCCE